I have something to share.
Something that I have been struggling with.
I came to a realization the other day.
For the last couple of years I have been keeping people at a distance, lest I get too close.
I hold myself back from becoming invested in others lives, others that might become good friends.
Because of this I am lonely.
I am not talking about my husband when I say this. He is my closest and dearest friend. But, as a woman I think it is important to have good friends with which to talk and spend time with. Since moving nearly two years ago, I have yet to make any friends that would qualify for this. I am realizing that I need the connection with other woman, but, for some reason I hold myself back. It is not fear of being hurt, although I have had my share and I have also done some hurting as well. I am afraid to become too invested in case we move again, which is likely to happen in the next few years. I had thought that maybe I had been building some nice relationships through blog friends here in blogland, but lately I have been feeling unconnected, disjointed and not involved. It saddens me. I have been holding myself back in my posting and not really sharing my true self and forcing my writing. Because of this I don't think that it has been authentic or honest. I need to re-evaluate what I am doing here, what my motivations, and hopes are for this blog and get back to the core of why I started doing this.
When I say all of this, I honestly do not know why I have become this way. I have become more inner facing instead of the open and fun girl that I used to be. I want to become more involved in things like swaps, and group blogs, but I fear that I will not be able to follow through. I think I am just at a bit of a low point. Perhaps God has been trying to teach me some things, but, I have been to focused on other things to pay attention...perhaps there is a lesson here.
I used to have my girl friends in my old town over every Sunday afternoons for coffee and yummy baked goods and I miss those conversations. I just miss those connections and I hope to find a way through this funk to allow myself to open up to the possibility of new friendships even if it does mean physically leaving them behind in the future. I hope to reconnect with long time blog friends as well as long time friends all over the country. At least to say hi and to check in every once in a while.
A good friend is worth preserving and I need to work harder at doing that.