Friday, November 7, 2008

A Proper Title Escapes me...

I have something to share.
Something that I have been struggling with.
I came to a realization the other day.
For the last couple of years I have been keeping people at a distance, lest I get too close.
I hold myself back from becoming invested in others lives, others that might become good friends.
Because of this I am lonely.
I am not talking about my husband when I say this. He is my closest and dearest friend. But, as a woman I think it is important to have good friends with which to talk and spend time with. Since moving nearly two years ago, I have yet to make any friends that would qualify for this. I am realizing that I need the connection with other woman, but, for some reason I hold myself back. It is not fear of being hurt, although I have had my share and I have also done some hurting as well. I am afraid to become too invested in case we move again, which is likely to happen in the next few years. I had thought that maybe I had been building some nice relationships through blog friends here in blogland, but lately I have been feeling unconnected, disjointed and not involved. It saddens me. I have been holding myself back in my posting and not really sharing my true self and forcing my writing. Because of this I don't think that it has been authentic or honest. I need to re-evaluate what I am doing here, what my motivations, and hopes are for this blog and get back to the core of why I started doing this.
When I say all of this, I honestly do not know why I have become this way. I have become more inner facing instead of the open and fun girl that I used to be. I want to become more involved in things like swaps, and group blogs, but I fear that I will not be able to follow through. I think I am just at a bit of a low point. Perhaps God has been trying to teach me some things, but, I have been to focused on other things to pay attention...perhaps there is a lesson here.
I used to have my girl friends in my old town over every Sunday afternoons for coffee and yummy baked goods and I miss those conversations. I just miss those connections and I hope to find a way through this funk to allow myself to open up to the possibility of new friendships even if it does mean physically leaving them behind in the future. I hope to reconnect with long time blog friends as well as long time friends all over the country. At least to say hi and to check in every once in a while.
A good friend is worth preserving and I need to work harder at doing that.

5 comments:

Rebecca said...

I understand completely...I have done the same thing but mostly for the fear of being hurt. I have no contact with former friends and it saddens me.

I often remember the time you lived with us and how much fun that was. We were close and I cherised your friendship. Then you moved away and I felt left behind. Then you announced you were pregnant and I wanted to be happy for you but that ment you were not coming home anytime soon. I was selfish. Now we are both busy with our lives and sometimes I feel like strangers. I hope someday we can become close again.

Amanda said...

oh how i understand this...but i suppose you know that after reading my last post. i find it isn't so much the sharing that is hard for me...simply the finding genuine women to fellowship with in an intentional way. oh how i am praying about this...because i think truly it is a major way Satan is attacking Christian women and keeping us from true fellowship, joy and growth. thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing!

Fairlightday said...

Dear friend, I understand. I really do. Please know that you are not alone and that we love you dearly. You are one of my longest blogging friends and I would be so sad to lose that. I know that we all go through stages and times when putting ourselves "out there" is not comfortable or convenient. But we understand that. Be at peace Sarah, know that you are loved and that you are not the only one.
Much love!

Leslie said...

lovely and so honest post.
I really appreciate it.

Loved peeking in here, with the 2 seconds of free time, and seeing Evelyn and lovely lasagnas, and cute bags, and all inspiring, and then this a nice dose of something real.

Missed being here...

Leslie said...

and meant to say, I think all of us especially mommas go through this feeling. We put effort and attention into our kids friends and lives, and then we realize, hey what about my relationships...
Praying that the Lord would fill you up with "real" friendships... Actually I pray that for all of us girls!